the rest of me

i'm still smiling on the outside

as if i didn't feel a thing

are you better off alone

smiling through everyone you meet? 

as i'm still decaying

pretending i'm who i used to be

but my teeth are chipping

as i struggle just to breathe

you took all that was left in me

--

i'm trying so hard just to be okay

though the smiles never fade

as i become something that i hate

i have to let go of the ashes

of what used to be 

you were my reason to breathe

and now you're just another voice saying i should leave

so whats left to believe? 

where's the rest of me?

--

sometimes you can learn from the enemy,

when your standing in the in-between,

you learn exactly what not to be.

and after all the hurt dreams,

and broken chances,

after sit outs and miss outs on all the school dances.

i will look back and applaud

that i was stronger than the weight of my circumstances.

---

but these hills will never crumble,

they have to be climbed,

and you can't scale these mountains

carrying what ought be left behind.

so i'll smile on the good days,

and swear i'm okay

smear makeup on the bad days

and chant it just the same.

---

because i may be broken.

but my stitches are holding

this wounded heart to it's frame.

and i'll wear my scars with pride

because i'm not ashamed.

and you can take a bow

and some critical acclaim.

because all you are is the reason

i didn't fade away.

your torture makes me stronger

and gives me a purpose just the same.

because who i was cannot remain

who i am and who i want to be is all that i can bare to claim.

so take this bow

and smile now, because its you who is to blame.

good living is the best revenge

and i will make you pay

unsound minds at play

tell me that ive lost my mind
hush little baby dont you cry
because when it comes down to the point
when were at the end of our wire
we will raise our voice in joy as they set the fires
and burn us to the ground

and what cant be found
is left in translation
what weve left behind
cant be changed with any amount of erasing
youll never hide the stains
and you cant escape the rain
its carressing the dead skin on my back
and peeling off my face
thank god that you arent around
to witness my fallfrom grace

summer air, leave me pale
out of breath and unafraid
leave me to my devices
tied to the speeding train
i cant be slain
no matter how bad it seems it never ends
i just get back up and start again

if you need a place for shelter
turn and look the other way
because im to lost and broken
to even know your name
much less my own
were tossed and thrown
into the pit of flames

ive got so much to do and so little time
every moment precious
can you chime in on the next line,
and wrap me up
before i ramble on again
like a distressed forgotten refrain
the only thing ive left to ask is this
do you feel the same
and can you find it in your heart to ever love me again
im not well anymore, not speaking to myself
can you tell me whats my name its lost again

hell hath no fury

in the bitter cold
world that we call home
there is nothing left
to scavenge nothing left but emptyness to find
the big wide world is waiting
so how will you greet it when you leave
just another overprepared know nothing
or a budding freak

are we a joke
was i mistaken to believe
that you were something
i could achieve
so i guess its time to move on like before
because its over once more
before anything had begun

and under the harsh sun
out in the heat
i will melt for you
when my heart is done defrosting
i froze my blood and dove into the sea
so i would be out of my misery

youll never see me smile again
ill never crack this icy peak
to which i adhere my skin
and wait patiently
for new ships to sink

hear my siren call i pray you come looking
hell hath no fury lke that of me
and to think
i once was so full of sympathy
so hear my siren call i pray that you come looking

darling, i dont love you anymore

the truth is im not okay
but i strive really hard for it to be that way
and i cant take
another failure in your wake
its not fair to be left holding in the air
when all i want now is to deflate

could you be someone to love
there was a time i thought
you might be sent from above
but now i see your the devil in disguise
and i could have been your prize
but you gave me up as so many before
and now im sitting here
wondering what for

even the bad ones go away
the ones you were never searching for
the ones that just seemed to go your way
and isnt it great
how some things never change

you could at least pretend that your glad to see me
deep down in your heart of darkness theres something worth saving
or so i believed
and yet you look at me
with disgust in your eyes and i cant help but wonder
will i always wonder why
your just the latest catastrophy that i had to survive
whats it for
all i can say is that i dont hate
but darling i dont love you anymore

say this in closing

the lights are flickering
soon therell be none at all
once again its time to grow up
once again its time for you to move on

pick up your things and walk out into the world
to find where we belong
or to keep on moving on
with no direction

so now your off to see what you can find
you waited 17 years to figure out if it was all a waste of your time
who knows what your future holds
its all up in the air,

will you be who you wanted to be
or will you settle for the path your parents took
will you rise above or will you slip into the nook
and fade in with the walls
for one moment you can feel alright
feel dignified , feel triumphant when your name is called

but who can say what will happen next
your education failed you,
now wait in line for your unemployment checks
the acceptance letter got lost in the mail
now your content with wasting your life just chasing your tail

you keep convincing yourself that its not worth giving up
just wait it out and hopefully your time will come
living life just to be the teachers pet
all that learning, and all your left with is regret

your lifes half over and your such a fool
you could have lived but your too busy being the talk of the stenopool
this in closing is the last chance we'll have to feel alright
from here on out everyday is gonna be a fight

for some its a struggle everyday just to live
and for the rest its getting over the despicable things that you did
to secure your place under the boss grace
misguided ambitionary was it worht it to win the race
and did you find
that the prize was on the other side?

this in closing
is a statement to reinforce
the morals and false truths that we promise to uphold
just to forget them when things get tough
when you make it to the top will it ever be enough
to satisfy your blood lust,

the dark side of ambition
is that its an irreversable condition
and all the guilt and all the shame
cannot bring back the friendships you have slain
you took the path most traveled , and arent your role models proud
just another carbon copy that the system churned out

for the few , left of you who avoid this fate
keep your chins up while their spitting in your face
your may not eat for three weeks at a time
but know that its not a mirage your seeking behind your finish line

for those of us , who learned nothing in school
for those who the system failed who broke all the right rules
for those who scraped by and who nearly failed
you are the ones who will suffer but will blaze the trail

so fake your smiles for the cameras now
take your diplomas and take a bow
grow up and brace yourself
because the time for procrastination
and preparation has run out
take a deep breath bite your lip because the future is now

raise a glass, and heres to hoping
this in closing

carcinogen lullaby

for what its worth to you
have a good time while you can
do what you want to do
while your still livin with mom and dad

well ill do what i want and buy what i please
cause now i can do anything finally free finally 18
andwe were already drinking long before we learned how to drive

but today you woke up from the day dream
just to find
your paychecks on delay
but all the bills arrived on time

now all the money is gonna pay the overdraft fees
there'll  be nothing left for groceries
how oh how will you survive

its time again to hit the streets
to find a way to make ends meet and pay the rent
you better hurry up and get famous kid

how will you survive?

- i cant think of a better reason to get loaded
your depressed and your anxious,
filling through the bank statements
coming up short again
i couldnt make up a better reason to be loaded
the best that you can do to cope
is to smoke until your chokin
and your lungs are givin in

all the frustration
calls for a mild sedation
just to handle the nerves so you
can get through
need to slip under the grip
of a nicotene dream
so for a moment you can breathe
i couldnt think of a better reason to get loaded

" this is my carcinogen lullaby
i need to die a little
just so i can feel alright
so i can try to get through the night -

the house is trashed
your gonna have to pay for that
with the money you dont have

can you see a pattern forming

some get it all but the ones like us will never have nothing
could you find a better reason to get loaded
-
by yourself  your not coping
in one week we'll be on the streets
you need help , therapys expensive
but cigarettes are cheap
needing a break from reality
gonna slip into the safety
of a nicotene dream its so comforting"

this is my carcinogen lullaby
you know its not a popular answer
but we might not even live to see cancer
anyway all we know is that today is too much
you need a crutch to hold you
when your pressed up against a wall
something to cushion the fall

carcinogen lullaby , make me feel allright
fix me up and take me out
help me from feeling let down

.. and at the party
your pissed cause your the one whos driving
got to hide the embarassing truth that your starving
but let them have their fun
who needs to know that your dying

a little everyday

got suspended from work indefinitely
 , how will you survive?
the moneys all run out , and time is ticking
now your slipping

how will you survive
your just a small fish in a large ocean

could you find a better reason to get loaded

" this is my carcinogen lullaby
 yeah i need a little help to get through the night
my head is going numb i just want to feel alright
how will we survive
this is my carcinogen lullaby
its not a socially respected answer
but i doubt ill even live to see cancer
so might as well  does anyone have a light?

pressed up against a wall
need a crutch to hold me up
and cushion my fall
can you make me feel alright?"

life isnt always what it seems
some seem to get it all meanwhile your getting nothing
just bad news and rejection apologies
no way to settle the score
self medicating
is just so  comforting

live it out but the stress is fracturing
we all need help cant find ourselves
we need to get lost for a while its time for discombobulating
to distract us from the pain

sing yourself to sleep
say goodnight and close your eyes
if only for five minutes of time
this is my carcinogen lullaby
its bittersweet but its what i need to keep me alive
you know we've got to live fast because tomorrow we may well die
does anyone have a light ?

the dark side of ambition

so dr. jekyl tell me about your situation
is it true what theyre saying about you
or is it just speculation
i think we should shed a little light on the subject
take out our magnifying glass, anylize the subtext

well if your one to complain
its only evidence to your shame
your gonna have to try a little harder
to substantiate your claims

no no no

it never happened this way
i never touched the blame
i have nothing for which to be ashamed
i am not the one you seek
so quit pointing your fingers at me

......

laying down on the concrete
with the evidence in hand
a puddle of blood
makes it a self defense
youve got no control
everyone take your pitty to him
spare the man let the monster inside be condemned

.......

so jack the ripper
remember to fasten your zipper
been prowling the streets too long
i know that somethings going on

well your always avoiding
trying to keep in the shadows out of sight
well isnt it time to let the truth come to light

.......
 well youve got nothing left to gain
better wallow in your pain
its a crime of passion you see
theres no sin on me

play out your sympathy
to fool the judge and your jury
you might have them fooled
but your not playing by the rules

explain your sorrow to them
they might believe
but i know what it is your hiding
..........

the lies that you carry out
concealed behind the doubt
isnt it time you let your secrets out
dont keep them bottled up inside
the more you try to hide
the more you get caught up in your lies

oh dear count of mine
why is your mouth red all the time
well tell me honestly
got a habbit for good storys
but fictions not what im after
dont need a happily ever after
just need the truth at any cost


well if your one to complain
its only evidence to your shame
your gonna have to try a little harder
to substantiate your claims

the more you stay around the scene
the more i seem to notice when you linger
the more you proffess your innocence
the more you point the finger
 at your at your self
well your lying doesnt help

........
 im not the one to blame
ive got nothing to be ashamed
and if you need the proof right now your gonna have to wait
my alibys being staged

and the more you say

it never happened this way
i the one to blame
i have nothing for which to be ashamed
i am not the one you seek
so quit pointing your fingers at me

have your cake and choke on it too

just another nail in the coffin
you break your vows
and change hands often
your one who trys to preach
but youve got no soul that you can reach

ive got a reason
for this that im feelin
its a fed up hatred
and hating to be used

" your just a pointless mission
never know what you are missing
cause your never in one place for a long time
your gonna get caught one day in your lies
and noones gonna be on your side

what will you do , when im not there for you
because god knows you wouldnt be there for me
so why is it that im supposed to be a bad friend
when i cant service your every whim
but your not to blame when i need something "

you can never take the truth
because its to harsh to hear
you get so wrapped up in your selfishness
that you'll say anything and try to make it sincere
if it gets you what you came for , then therse no problems here

get me a drink
so that i can think
clearly when im talking to you
ive got to be out of my mind
to understand the stupid things that you do

so tell me what is your problem now
how will the mellodrama play out

is this a new episode
feels like a re run
because its always the same thing you know
tell the same sob story
it wont work on me cause im done

" your just a pointless mission
never know what you are missing
cause your never in one place for a long time
your gonna get caught one day in your lies
and noones gonna be on your side

what will you do , when im not there for you
because god knows you wouldnt be there for me
so why is it that im supposed to be a bad friend
when i cant service your every whim
but your not to blame when i need something "

just another nail in the coffin
you tell lies so often
that its astounding you remember your name
well theres only one question i have
why did you bother , why have you came

just another nail in the coffin
youve got no reasons to be here
well tell me my dear
when are you going to quit
and how is it that i could forget

im done with everything
im going to sit back and watch you hang
because to me now you dont mean a thing

Theology

tie my hands, so i wont break any bones
lock me down , so i dont lose control
talk me down , cause theres no way out of this
not that i see, all i see is emptyness

Silver tongued
and piercing gaze
breaking down my wall
indiscriminate hate

" your eyes like the pit of my soul
your wind lifting up my hollow bones
take flight my soul
and leave the rest lost and faded
fill me with a hope that cant be tainted

fill me with your night
take it away so contrast makes me bright
whisper to me and bring me to life"

hold my skin to this flesh
so it wont slip away
drown out my sorrow ,
so it cannot stain

pull me in
then wash me down
swallow me whole
then spit me out

leave my body breathless
broken in the ground
cover me in earth
as your lower it down
remember me perfect
so you'll have no reasons to forget


" your eyes like the pit of my soul
your wind lifting up my hollow bones
take flight my soul
and leave the rest lost and faded
fill me with a hope that cant be tainted

fill me with your night
take it away so contrast makes me bright
whisper to me and bring me to life"

i dont believe in gods
but i believe its true
something in all of us
exists to bring something else through

were never gonna find it
if we try to look
something this great
you cant define in a book

so they call me a sinner
they'd wish to excommunicate
if only they could
if only i came

they'll call me a heathen
brand me insane
doing the world a favor
putting hot lead in my brain

if it makes you feel better
because my eyes are open
and ill never see the same

" your eyes like the pit of my soul
your wind lifting up my hollow bones
take flight my soul
and leave the rest lost and faded
fill me with a hope that cant be tainted

fill me with your night
take it away so contrast makes me bright
whisper to me and bring me to life"

so fill me with your light
and give me the strength
all i see is good,
unlike those who are tamed
by the fear, of what
they refuse to understand
they never would , doesnt matter if they can

i found faith, in a lack of belief
i found that god brings noone relief
this is so much older
its something i can touch
if you dont want to hear it
well then cling to your crutch

my eyes are open
and finally i see
the things that held me back
were the laws that i believed
so i found balance in something i can feel
it isnt whats popular
but its something that is real

i hope they burry me deep beneat the soil
i hope they think , that they can damn my soul
well heres to hopin'
and heres to us "lost souls"
cause my eyes are open
and they'll never make them close

mission statments of the defiant

reconcile your imperfection
so you can mollify your pain
focus on your own addictions
and alleviate the strain

its all about convictions
and can you sanctify your name
get up off your high perch
and learn to fly again

" dont turn the lights out
cause im not going home
give me a place to stand
and i will move the earth
a heart is just a broken thing
that i dont have and dont deserve
so dont pick me up let me learn this on my own
but dont turn the lights out cause im not goin home"

preach your words into my ears
sedate my disbelief and disavow my fear
that maybe im not good enough
pierce the veil around my soul its tough
but you can take away my tears
and though my edges are rough
dont give up when i can almost hear

" dont turn the lights out
cause im not going home
wont give it up now
i can make it on my own
its not that i dont need help
im just to dependant on myself
to know when its okay
to let someone else bare the strain
and i dont want to feel like ive left you in the rain
if i take your helping hand and escape
so dont give up your almost through
your message is painful but its true
and i dont know what to do
if i cant do iton my own
so dont turn the lights out
cause i cant stand to be alone"

the stars are falling once again
and i can catch them in my filth hands
will you dance
teach me the steps
and we will turn back the clock
if only for a minute

give me a chance
to show you my world
and just observe
the changes i have made
to survive all the hardship thrown at me
would you think me weak
or would you applaud me

would you tell me i did good
or would you cut me out again
can you hear
are you listening
am i talking to myself
somethings even to you i cant explain

there are these things
that make it difficult
im not forgetting
but i would forgive you anything
im not upset its just no shock to me
that when everything falls down
i turn around ,
and once again
your nowhere to be found

" dont turn the lights out
cause i dont want to go home
im not ready to call it quits
even as the curtain closes
im quite used to being alone
i think i can make it on my own
leave me anywhere you want
but you cant take me home
becuase theres nowhere i can go
and call it home

give me a moment and break me
and i will repair the tear
hold my heart to your heart and swear
that you will be there
dont turn the lights out
its not over theres more to be shown
dont turn the lights out
cause im not ready to go home"